Always in my heart
by chanoey
Summary: Monica and Chandler find out they can't have kids, but Monica can't handle this and disappears, leaving Chandler worried and confused about what has happenened. Please R&R. (Chapter 3 now up)
1. Default Chapter

**This is a new fanfic of mine, im still working on my other one "A troubled teenager" which has been updated just before. I hope you enjoy my new fan fic, its set just after TOW the fertility test in series 9, hope you enjoy it. **

**Disclaimer: All characters featured in this story belong to Bright Kauffman Crane I don't own any, much to my disappointment :( lol.**

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"Monica?" Chandler said rushing through the crowded streets of Manhattan

"Where are you?" He called out her name but there was no reply

"Monica!" He yelled until his throat was red roar.

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

"Hey sweetie" Monica said as she walked through the door

"Doctor Connelly just called" Chandler said with a sullen expression

"With good news? Of course it is not good news, you just said Doctor Connelly just called." Monica said it in a deadpan voice " If it was good news you would have said, "Doctor Connelly just called!" She said in an excited tone before continuing "But so what is it? Is there a problem, uh? Is there a problem with me or with you?"

"Actually it's both of us." Chandler looked at Monica

"What?" Monica asked puzzled

"Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment." Chandler couldn't look her in the eye

"Oh... what does that mean?" Monica said her voice shaking

" It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do… It means..." Chandlers voice was starting to crack now.

"Chandler?" Monica asked

"It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us." He replied seriously

"Oh my God!" Monica said crying. She headed towards the door

"Where are you going?" Chandler asked following her

"I can't deal with this right now, I need to think" She said before shutting the door behind her.

* * *

Chandler had been looking for Monica for hours. He couldn't even begin to imagine the state she would be in. All her life she had wanted kids and now she couldn't. Tears ran down his face as he called out for her

"Monica, Please!"

He sat down on the edge of the pavement and he closed his eyes, sobbing.

He awoke a while later, he must have fallen asleep on the curb, it was dark by now and the people had all gone home. The once bustling Manhattan streets were calmer and cooler. He picked himself up and looked at his watch "1:00am"

"Maybe she's at home" Chandler worried and made his way back to the apartment.

Turning the key in his apartment door, he prayed Monica would be in there

"Mon!" he called out, his voice echoed throughout the apartment

"Are you here?" He checked all the rooms, but she wasn't there. He slumped onto the couch and began to cry.

"Hey dude, what's with all the shouting?" A half-asleep Joey stumbled through the open door

"She's gone man" Chandler hugged his best friend

"Who's gone?" Joey was puzzled he'd only gotten up for a snack

"Monica, she's gone," Chandler sobbed

"What's happened?" Joey asked pulling out a chair and making Chandler sit on it.

"I got a call, from the fertility clinic" Chandler sobbed "They said me and Mon can't have kids" Chandler put his head in his hands

"Oh my god, man I am so sorry" Joey hugged Chandler "But why has Monica left, that's not like her at all"

"I know, but she's wanted kids all her life and I had to tell her she couldn't have them," Chandler wept.

"Dude, she's probably just thinking things over, I'm sure she'll be back in the morning" Joey tried to reassure him

"I hope your right, Joe, but what if she isn't… she might have left me for good" Chandler cried

"Why would she" Joey asked

"Coz I can't give her a child… I'm a lousy husband!" Chandler said standing up of his chair

"Your not a lousy husband! And it's not your fault you can't have kids! Monica would never see it like that" Joey said trying to calm chandler down

"How do you know?" Chandler said, "You don't know what could be going on in her head"

"Dude, think about it, you know your wife more than anyone… does that seem like something she would think?" Joey said putting his arm around his friend

"I don't know Joe, I really don't know" Chandlers face was stained with tears

Joey hugged him and sighed, he hated seeing his best friend like this

Suddenly the phone rang, Joey answered

"Okay, we'll be right there" Joey said his voice shocked

"What?" Chandler asked

"Monica's in hospital, she's OD'd, she might not last the night" Joey choked on his own words.

"No!" Chandler screamed running out of the apartment

"Chandler! Wait!" Joey followed after him.

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**okay so that was the end of the first chapter, please review and tell me what you thought of it. **


	2. It's all my fault

**Heres Chapter 2, hope you enjoy it. Thanks for the reviews, please keep them coming. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the friends characters, not one tiny little bit.**

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"Hi I'm Chandler Bing, my wife Monica Geller she was brought in a few hours ago" Chandler said breathlessly to the receptionist at the desk

"Okay Sir, follow me" the receptionist showed Chandler to room along the corridor. Joey was just behind him. The two had been silent in the cab journey here.

"I'm Doctor Crawley" A tall man with glasses approached Chandler as he was about to go into Monica's room

"Please just let me see my wife" Chandler said trying to push past the doctor.

"I must warn you Mr Bing, your wife is in a critical condition, it might be best to say your goodbyes," the doctor said solemnly

"Are you telling me she is going to die?" Chandler choked on his own words

"She might not die, but there is a possibility she will, I'm very sorry Mr Bing," The doctor said before attending to a page off his beeper.

Chandler slumped against the wall of the corridor

"Are you going in man?" Joey asked sitting next to him

"I can't" Chandler sobbed

"Why not?" Joey asked

"Coz, its me who's done this too her" Chandler sighed

"Its not your fault" Joey told him

"Yes it is! I should have stopped her, I should have controlled her, and I should be able to give her a baby!" Chandler screamed at his best friend

"No man, listen you didn't do anything wrong, you love and support her, you haven't done anything" Joey said hugging Chandler

"Its all my fault" Chandler wept into his best friends shoulder.

Joey looked at the mess his friend was, Chandler didn't cry that easily, he tried to be strong but this time he couldn't.

"Chan, maybe you should go in and see her" Joey said when Chandler finally stopped crying. Chandler nodded and stood up

"I'll wait here" Joey looked at Chandler and again he nodded.

Chandler opened the door to the room quietly and walked in. Lying there on the bed was Monica; she was pale and looked almost lifeless. The beeping of the machines and the smell of antiseptic made him feel sick. She was hooked up to machines everywhere. He looked at her small helpless body and a tear rolled down his face.

"Oh Mon" he whispered to himself as he sat next to her, taking her cold hand into his grasp

"Why did you do this, I love you and we will get through this" Chandler said kissing her hand "I need you Mon, I love you and always have loved you" Chandler began to cry again his teardrops hit her skin.

"I love you Mon, and if anything happens I don't know what I'll do!" he sobbed louder now as his tears fell quickly.

Suddenly the machine started to beep as a lot of doctors and nurses ran in

Chandler stood back and watched as they all gathered around his wife, shocking her, injecting her with things, making sure she didn't die. He looked at her limp body… she didn't even look like the Monica he married. He went outside into the corridor to find Ross, Rachel and Phoebe standing there with Joey.

"How is she?" Rachel hugged Chandler

"It doesn't look good" Chandler sobbed as the gang huddled round him.

"She'll be okay," Ross said

"I hope to god your right" Chandler looked his friend in the eye.

"I do too" Ross sighed.

The gang embraced for what seemed like hours before they split and sat down.

"I'm going to get a cup of coffee, anyone want anything?" Rachel asked

"I'll come with you" Ross said following Rachel down the corridor

Chandler sat across from Joey and Phoebe with is head in his hands. He was thinking over his life with Monica.

"Look at him" Phoebe sighed to Joey.

"I know, he's blaming himself for all this" Joey replied

"Why?" Phoebe asked

"He thinks it's his fault he can't have kids," Joey whispered

"But its not, he should know that and he should know that Monica would never blame him for something like that"

"I know that, but his heads screwed up at the moment so he'll believe anything" Joey said looking over to his best friend. Chandler's hair was a mess, his shirt was damp with tears and his eyes were red from the crying. Joey wanted to do something, but there was nothing to do.

"Mr Bing?" Dr. Crawley said as he approached the gang

"Yes" Chandler croaked standing up

"Your wife's condition is stabilised"

"Does that mean she's going to be okay?" Chandler asked with a slight hope in his eye

"We are still going to keep an eye on her, but she's definitely over the worst"

Everyone but Chandler sighed with relief

"But she still could die?" Chandler asked soberly

"There is still that chance yes, but you shouldn't think like that Mr. Bing" Dr. Crawley replied before giving a brief nod to the rest of the gang and walking off.

"Well at least she's over the worst" Phoebe sighed

"But she still might die" Chandler mumbled

"C'mon Chan, think positive" Joey put his arm around Chandlers shoulder but it was quickly brushed off

"Think positive? How can I think positive when the love of my life is in there?" Chandler pointed to the room where Monica was "And even if she is okay, what's to stop her doing it again, this isn't an illness, this is something she did to herself, she took the overdose, she didn't want to live anymore!" Chandler broke down "And its all my fault"


	3. Feeling like she doesn't love him

**Hey i know i haven't really updated this, but i got a new review for it which reminded me, and i felt bad for not updating sooner so i decided to update. I don't know what you think. I feel it might be taking the route of a lot of mondler/hospital fics, so i would like your oppinion. Thanks please enjoy. Read and Review! **

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The cool water splashed over his face. He looked up into the mirror. His eyes were red and swollen from crying. His tears still lay upon his cheeks. He looked at his reflection. In his head he could here a voice saying 'All your fault, all your fault' and no matter how he tried to stop it, it carried on.

"Chan?" Joey pushed open the men's room door.

Chandler looked around at Joey.

"They're taking Monica up to a ward now" Joey began "They said she's stable enough to be transferred"

"Okay" Chandler croaked, his throat was still sore from the shouting.

Chandler followed Joey down the corridor, they passed different rooms all with different patients and different cases, Chandler wondered how many of those people were in here because of their other half.

"Monica" Chandler ran towards her bed as he saw it being wheeled out the room.

"She's still heavily sedated Mr Bing" Dr. Crawley explained "She won't be awake for another good 4 hours yet, so why don't you go and get some rest"

"No, I'm staying with my wife" Chandler said firmly

"Maybe he's right, maybe you should go get some sleep," Rachel said placing a hand on his shoulder

"No, I'm fine, Monica needs me here" Chandler said walking along side her bed

Rachel was about to protest when Ross stopped her

"Just let him do what he has to do" Ross whispered in her ear and she nodded understandingly.

* * *

As the hours slowly ticked by Chandler sat on the bench with his head in his hands, I prayed for all it was worth that his wife would be okay. Joey watched as his best friend tortured himself with his thoughts, he wanted so much to do something but he knew it was best to stand back and let Chandler deal with this himself.

"I'm going to see her," Chandler said standing up

"What's the point man, she's still asleep" Ross asked

"I need to be with her," Chandler said walking through the double doors into Monica's room.

Her skin was pale and the constant beeping of the machines made a tear roll down his cheek. He pulled up a chair next to her bed and grasped her cold hand.

"Please Mon, wake up, I love you and we can get through this" Chandler sobbed as his teardrops fell down onto Monica's skin.

Monica's eyes slowly began to open.

"Monica" Chandler whispered as her eyelids opened

She was silent, she thought about what she had done. She had totally freaked out, all of her life she had wanted to be a mom and then he had told her she couldn't be. She didn't deserve to live if she couldn't even have a child. 'I shouldn't be here, I should be dead.' Monica thought to herself. She looked up at her husband, his eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were stained. She had put him through all this. Maybe she should have died, and then he could move on. She continued tormenting herself with these thoughts until Chandler said "how you feeling?"

Monica looked at him, it was a pretty stupid question considering, but then what else do you ask in a situation like this?

"I'm sorry" she managed to mutter

"Don't be, I'm just so glad you're alive" Chandler said his voice croaky.

"I shouldn't have done this to you, you deserve someone better" Monica said not making eye contact with him

"I don't even deserve you Mon, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me" Chandler whispered stroking her hand

"Don't lie to me Chandler, don't say things you think I want to hear," she said her voice was strained

"I'm not lying, I love you Monica," he whispered as she began to drift back to sleep "I love you"

Monica's eyes were shut again. Chandler stood up and left the room, his eyes streaming with tears, he felt as though this wasn't the woman he had married, he felt as though she didn't love him anymore.

"Chandler?" Phoebe stood up as he entered the waiting room. He looked at them all before turning and running off.

"Chandler!" Joey shouted chasing him.

The fresh air hit Chandler as he exited the hospital doors. He went over and sat on the wall.

"Chandler?" Joey said from behind him.

"Go back inside Joe" Chandler muttered

"Only if you come back inside with me," Joey replied

"What's the point, she doesn't love me anymore, she needs someone who can give her a baby, that's not me" Chandler shouted, "I can't even give her what she always wanted and as much as I want to I can't! There is no amount of anything that can make me magic up a baby" he sobbed "I want to, but I can't" he whispered between sobs

"You'll get through this" Joey said hugging his best friend.

"We won't, there will always be no baby" Chandler replied

"What about adoption, you could adopt a baby" Joey asked remembering a show on TV where a couple had adopted three kids.

"It's still not our baby, its someone else's" Chandler said, "Monica dreamed of her own baby"

"Chandler, Monica dreamed of being a mom, she can still be a mom," Joey said half wondering where he was getting this knowledge.

Chandler stood silently, Joey did have a point. But was it too late, had Monica given up on her life. It certainly seemed that way. People don't OD for nothing. How could she look after a baby when she couldn't even look after herself?

The guys stood quietly before going back inside the hospital.

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	4. Getting better?

**Sorry about the length in updating this story, im still trying to think of a way to go with it. But for now please enjoy this next chapter.**

**Love always xxxx**

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"He's been like that for hours now" Joey whispered to Ross, who looked over to Chandler who was standing with his head pressed against the wall

"I know, but we can't do anything" Ross whispered back

"Maybe we should take him home" Joey suggested

"We could try" Ross agreed

"I'll do it" Joey stood up and walked over to Chandler "Hey"

Chandler looked at him and nodded.

"Why don't you go home and get some rest, we'll stay here and call you if there's any change"

"No" Chandler replied simply

"You look tired though, you'd be better if you got some rest" Rachel said from her chair

"No!" Chandler's voice was slightly raised

"Fine" Joey answered with a sigh. He loved Chandler but he could be so stubborn.

After another while, the doctor came and explained to Chandler that Monica seemed to be on the road to recovery. He also explained that it would be good for someone to go in and talk to her, to speed up her waking up. Chandler looked around at his friends who all told him to go in. He walked into the small wardroom.

"Mon" he whispered sitting down next to her "Please wake up" he said stroking her hair.

"I love you Mon, I want us to get through this, and I know you don't mean those things you said before. Please wake up" Chandler said as a tear rolled down his face.

"Chandler" Rachel spoke as she came into the room "Come here" she hugged him as he broke down in her arms "I just love her so much" he muttered between sobs

"I know you do sweetie, I know" Rachel said as she hugged him.

"Do you think we'll ever get through this?" Chandler asked wiping his eyes and pulling from the hug

"Of course" Rachel said as convincingly as she could. Chandler could sense the uncertainty in her tone.

"Don't lie to me Rach" Chandler said, "Be honest"

Rachel took a deep breath "I think you will get through it" she replied with a brief smile

Chandler smiled back for a second and then turned back to Monica. He stroked her hair and whispered the lyrics to "The Way you look tonight"

_Some day, when I'm awfully low,  
when the world is cold,  
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...  
And the way you look tonight. _

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm  
and your cheeks so soft,  
there is nothing for me but to love you,  
and the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,  
tearing my fear apart...  
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,  
it touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.  
Keep that breathless charm.  
Won't you please arrange it?  
'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight

Rachel watched Chandler, she could see he truly meant those words and whilst she knew Monica wouldn't do it, she secretly prayed she wouldn't break his heart. She sighed and left the room.

Monica's eyes began to open. She looked around the room and saw Chandler, his red and tired eyes. She wanted to cry.

"Hey" she croaked

"Monica" Chandler smiled

"I'm sorry, I love you so much" Monica cried

"Don't cry Mon, I love you too" Chandler said "And we'll get through this, I promise" Chandler replied

"Okay" Monica nodded

Chandler felt some hope in his heart.

"I'm sorry about how I acted before" Monica sobbed

"I thought you didn't love me any more" Chandler said sadly

"Don't ever think that, I'll always love you" Monica took his hand weakly

"I'll always love you too" Chandler replied before leaning in and gently kissing her.

"You look tired, go home and get some rest" Monica said as she broke their kiss

"No, I'm staying with you" Chandler said

"No, Chandler go home and sleep" Monica looked at him with pleading eyes "The hospital will contact you if you're needed" she smiled "I'm fine"

Oh how he wanted to believe this, although she was all smiles now, she had still wanted to take her own life. Something inside her must have been driving her and if it surfaced again it could kill his wife. Chandler worried about all the possibilities as Joey drove him home.

"You gonna be okay man?" Joey asked as Chandler stood in the middle of the apartment

"Yeah, I'm just going to get some sleep" Chandler smiled weakly

"Okay, you know where I am if you need me" Joey said quietly shutting the door.

Walking over to the cupboard, Chandler pulled out a photo album. He sat on the couch and flicked through it. The first picture was of him and Monica on their wedding day:

_**Monica:** Chandler, for so long I…I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that I'd ever been looking for my whole life. And now…here we are…with our future before us…and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, and my friend. Unless you don't want to. You go!_

_**Joey:** Chandler?_

_**Chandler:** Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way, it's okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You want to know if I'm sure? _

Chandler smiled remembering the kiss. It was the happiest moment of his entire life.

He looked through some more photos but soon had to stop as the tears fell from his eyes again. He fell asleep on the couch only to be awoken by a tapping on his front door.

"I'm coming" he said sleepily.

He walked over to the door, his hair sticking up in all directions. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and opened the front door.

"Hey" It was Joey

"Hey Joe" Chandler said leaving the door for Joey to enter

"I just came to check up on you" Joey explained, "I couldn't sleep"

"Well I was" Chandler yawned

"Oh, sorry, I'll go" Joey said going towards the door

"No, stay It'll be good to have some company" Chandler smiled

"Okay" Joey returned the smile.

The guys chatted like old times, but Chandler's mind kept drifting back to Monica. He wanted to be with her. He felt all alone even though Joey was there. After a while of chatting they fell asleep. It was 7:00am when Chandler awoke. He got up and got ready before heading back to the hospital.

"Ah. Mr Bing" Dr Crawley greeted Chandler as he walked down the ward

"Er… hi, how's Monica?" Chandler asked anxiously

"She's doing very well, she's awake, and why don't you go see her?"

"Thank you doctor" Chandler said before going in to see Monica.

"Hey" she said her voice still course

"Hi, how are you?" Chandler asked sitting down by her bed

"Much better" she smiled

"I should have brought you flowers or something" Chandler said

"No, I wouldn't expect anything from you" Monica replied

"Why not?" Chandler asked

"Coz of what I did" Monica said unable to meet his gaze

"Mon, what you did, you did because you were upset and you couldn't cope" Chandler said taking her hand "And I don't love you any less for it" he smiled

"I don't deserve you" Monica smiled and kissed him

"Yes, you do" he kissed her back.

"Sorry to interrupt" there was a knock on the door and Joey, Phoebe and Rachel all put their heads round the door

"Hey guys, come in" Chandler said, he was smiling for once which they all took to be a good sign

They all chatted for a while. Chandler kept glancing over at Monica and telling himself that she was going to be okay, but somewhere deep inside there was a feeling she might not be.


End file.
